Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries people are overwhelming. They’re impatient and frenetic and demanding, although you can’t fault them for not plunging into relationships quickly enough. Maybe your Aries significant other kept ditching you because you couldn’t keep up with their new interest or plan, or maybe you got into a fight and realized just how immature and intolerant the Mars temper can be. Either way, now that you’re single, find a nice quiet room and appreciate the fact that you finally get to sit still for a while. Phew.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
So you tried to dissuade a Taurus from hanging out with someone you dislike or going out to the same restaurant as usual for dinner — how’d that work out for you? Taureans are unbelievably stubborn, and whether that takes the form of active opposition or of simply hiding their bad habits from you, you’re not going to make much headway in changing them. Leave the bull be and don’t expect an apology anytime soon, but trust that they’ll probably sit in their room and sadly listen to “your song” for at least a few months after you’re gone. Because again, too stubborn to just let it go.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
They weren’t kidding about the two personalities thing. Geminis are fickle romantics who are never sure of what they want. You might manage to get them to commit, but the mood swings and hot-and-cold games get old quickly. Geminis also basically invented ghosting, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them for four months straight and then get a “heyy what’s up?” Facebook message like nothing ever happened. Sigh.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Sensitive and sentimental, Cancerians are like the friend in every rom-com that the heroine is supposed to end up with. They’re cautious and probably afraid of losing you, requiring constant reassurance. They crave security and are very careful with money, which is good in a marriage partner but less fun if you’re just trying to enjoy date night out on the town. They’re also reluctant to open up, and they probably fancy themselves “deep” and “damaged.” If all of that sounds like a lot of work for a relationship, you’re correct.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 21)
The sad truth for anyone who has tried to date a Leo is that they don’t want to be loved, they want to be adored. Leos are high-maintenance, only happy when they are being showered with attention, and can be immature when they feel they’re being neglected. Unfaithfulness is not an uncommon problem with this sign, and that narcissism gets old quickly if the Leo in question is not a truly awesome person worthy of your attention. TBD if your Leo ex has put down the mirror long enough to notice you’re gone, though.
Virgo (Aug. 22-Sept. 23)
Virgos are so on top of their sh*t, it’s infuriating. They love to work, and work a lot more than they love. If you did break up with a Virgo, you probably still feel like the bad guy because in addition to being driven and respectful, Virgos are often such gentle and kind people. Chalk it up to their unrealistic relationship (and everything else, for that matter) goals.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Librans are famously contradictory, so if it felt like you could never win an argument in the relationship, you weren’t wrong. Fighting with a Libra is hopeless, as is avoiding fights altogether. Libran inconsistency means you never know what exactly will annoy them from week to week, and they’re so good at rationalizing their side of the argument, you’ll always be persuaded to see their side of things. To be honest, you’re lucky you found the determination to break up with these charmers at all.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
OK, this one is on you honestly. Everyone knows what they’re signing on for by dating a Scorpio: they’ll love you with the fire of a thousand suns, but hell hath no fury like a Scorpio scorned. They’re intense, they’re prideful, and they probably make more money than you do. It’s hard not to be drawn toward the mystery and steady confidence of Scorpios, but the kind of possessiveness they exhibit in relationships is downright exhausting if you’re not into it. Maybe go date a flighty Aquarius for a while as a breather.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
Sagittarians hate to be tied down. You have to be ready to pick up and move to the other side of the world for a few months or spontaneously attend a 2 a.m. improv show if you want to keep up with them, and who has time for that? Plus, if the short attention span didn’t get to you, there is nothing like Sagittarius’s blunt honesty to ruin a good thing. Yes, dear, I know my roots are showing, thank you for that and see you never.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
Capricorns are steady and unassuming but fiercely ambitious. They don’t have the Leo ego, but they do tend to take themselves too seriously. They also have a great deal of respect for authority and tradition and hate uncontrolled emotion or PDA. So, yeah, not exactly the summertime fling anyone’s looking for.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)
Aquarians love defying convention, so if you didn’t get a tattoo, dye your hair a strange color, or pierce your eyebrow while you were with an Aquarius, consider the damage minimal. Aquarians are fun free spirits, but they often live in their own little worlds and are flighty AF. Their hearts and minds are always open, so even though it may be difficult to date an Aquarius, odds are the first thing he or she asked when you were breaking up was, “Can’t we still be friends?”
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)
Oh, poor Pisces. The Zodiac’s peacekeepers, Pisces have a strong tendency to become doormats if you let them. I have never been a proponent of the “nice guys finish last” theory, but there are only so many times you can debrief with your significant other before you’re like, “Dear God, send me someone with intimacy issues and an inability to apologize!”